Really Lawrence?

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Shortly after opening credits we learned that Party Time Lawrence was still alive and well.  We see him and Tasha engaged in yet another on and poppin session. As he swiftly gets dressed, indicates he has to go, and informs Tasha Thursday wouldn’t be a good night for hanging out, I thought, I don’t really like the sound, feel, or look of this. Not wanting jump to conclusions though, trying to give my man Lawrence the benefit of the doubt (especially being that I proudly proclaimed to be a proud member of his team just last week) I encouraged myself to chill. (Chill Rhonda. Just chill).

But then his friend, during their little guy talk, confirmed my suspicions. Godammit! Lawrence on that bullshit right now. It’s not ok to use people to serve as entertainment, ego boosters, pick me ups, or charging stations when you’re whole everything–confidence, emotions, outlook on life–is on low. Women  are super emotional beings, nurturers by nature. We have a strong desire to make everything good in the lives of those we care about. And this is precisely why we have to proceed very cautiously and do everything in our power to avoid putting ourselves in certain situations and setting ourselves up for hurt and heartbreak (which I suspect Tasha may be doing). 

It’s not uncommon for people to find a rebound person to help them with their bounce back . And  shortly after obtaining everything needed, they bounce on said person, leaving naive, unsuspecting, high hopes person (in this case Tasha) high and dry, feeling all unworthy and under-valued while they go on with their life, living all carefree and happily ever and what not.

I was so hopeful for Tasha,  but Sunday’s episode has totally smothered said hopes. It could be too soon to tell but I doubt it. At best Lawrence may force himself to hang in there with Tasha a little while longer, enjoying all the sex she’s willing to share, applying as minimal effort as possible, avoiding So What Are We conversations as to not expose his truth and hurt her feelings (cause he know he wrong) and eventually feeling forced to tell her, “I’m sorry. I think we should just be friends.” And then asking a dumb ass question similar to this: Why are you so upset? I thought we were just having fun. Really Lawrence?  That’s what you thought we were doing (in my sarcastic voice)? The truth however would sound more like this: I was hurt, still trippin off old girl, knew you were interested and wouldn’t turn me down, I got you caught up in my whirlpool of emotions, I enjoyed every second of swagger redeeming sex had with you, plus your body’s bangin,  I gave no fucks about your feelings and how my selfishness would impact you in the long run.

Lawrence may even take the easy route and just fade to black on Tasha. Either way, I have a problem with him right now. It is not (I repeat…NOT) ok to use and play people for selfish gain. A guy may think it’s just fun and sex while the young lady he’s funnin and sexing is steadily falling in love. Feelings deserve to be treated delicately, respected, and regarded with the purest of intentions. In other words, don’t play with people’s freakin feelings and emotions man! This is  exactly how you lose cool points (MA-JOR deduction).

And I’m still trying to wrap my understanding around what happened at the end of Sunday night’s show. “Ma dude” you’re all over the place right now, creating unnecessary confusion and agony for all parties engaging with you. Having a seat (several seats) sounds ideal right about now. Retire that Party Time jersey for a second. You’re hurt, lost, broken, and consequently causing those involved with you hurt, loss, and brokenness.  Even I’m feeling hurt and confused and team LESS right now. Like dude, “what is you doing”? 

Note: I feel like Chuck, Shaq , Kenny, Ernie and all other NBA playoffs/finals commentators who flip flop team favorites every other night during playoff season,  depending on which team is playing the best. Lawrence, you are not playing the best right now. 

 

Until the next episode, one irritated black girl has officially signed off.

Team Lawrence

 

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As we’re all waiting with bated breath for Insecure Season 2 to kick off, I can’t help but recall how Lawrence played the hell out of all of us on that final episode of last season’s show. We thought he’d be sitting in their apartment, on that sofa, looking pitiful, awaiting to have a conversation with Issa about the relationship’s next steps. As Issa enters, we don’t see Lawrence on his favorite spot though. We assume, being that it’s super late, he must be resting. We anticipated the meeting between the two being a little awkward at first.  Issa would work her charm, offer sincere sounding apologies, and Lawrence, being the nice, non-confrontational, just happy to be here guy he is, would take and stomach the hard blow (infidelity) Issa dealt, in the name of Love. And I guess that would’ve been an OK ending. Nah! I’m lying. I would’ve been SO disappointed had the season ended in that manner. I was cheering for Lawrence like one cheers for their favorite Cavs’ player at a Golden State vs. Cavs game. When Issa enters the bare, Lawrence-less bedroom I was like Say. What. Now. Couldn’t help but sit up a little taller on my own sofa. What’s happening here? Then she pulls open the closet door only to learn it’s empty…AF (well he did leave his Best Buy polo shirt) and that’s precisely when a slight smirk crossed my face and Lawrence received the infamous I See You head nod from me.

Hating to see the too nice people of the world (TV world included) get the short end of the stick, I was geeked about Lawrence reclaiming his dignity and getting some of his swagger back. Of course, I’m aware he was unemployed (but receiving unemployment checks and had savings to fall back on thus not living off of Issa totally) far longer than desired, seemed to have lost a little bit of his confidence and ambition (temporarily), and totally threw some of his GQ out the window (lack of haircut, unshaven, unsightly lounge clothes). All things considered, I’m still a proud member of his team. He did not deserve what he was dealt.  I’ve always felt Lawrence was a good guy who could be trusted, counted on. Not perfect, but loyal. And his loyalty, despite all his other imperfections won him SO many points on my score card. Sending Miss Tasha away when she tried to holler gained him a point or two. Always having Issa’s back, supporting her professional endeavors, encouraging her, you know being a true friend, earned him points as well.  I think Issa’s cool and all. Don’t get me wrong. But she lost  lot of cool points along the way when she:

  1. Thought it would be entertaining to to make light of her best friend’s love (or lack there of) crisis. Molly pours her heart out to someone she feels she can trust. Issa abuses that trust, hops on stage and has the time of her life rapping about Molly’s “broken pussy” . How insensitive! With friends like that who needs enemies?  Girl. All. The. Way. Bye. (Deduction)
  2. Told Daniel he was just an itch she needed to scratch. Like wasn’t this guy supposed to be her “friend” at some point. I mean Daniel isn’t my favorite character but geesh , when she said that to him MY feelings were hurt. Insensitive. Cold. Heartless. (Deduction!)
  3. Smashed the homie on a recording studio floor because she was “bored” with her relationship.  Poor Lawrence was at home figuring out how to get the Broken Pussy video ( remember how humiliated Molly felt during Issa’s performance) off the internet because now, the video was causing Issa to feel humiliated as it threatened to tarnish her reputation. Karma is so hilarious sometimes. (Girl Bye. Again. Deduction)

Basically, I don’t feel Issa treats the people who care about her very well. Kinda takes them for granted, until it’s too late.  And this is why she comes up short on the Cool Points Scorecard for me.

Now, let me circle back to my recap so I can hurry up and tell ya’ll know who else I think is kinda cool. Recap continued: We think the show will end there, with Issa looking all pathetic while staring at the blue polo. But nah. Lawrence wasn’t finished with us yet. As if telling Issa he missed her, giving her the impression he wanted to talk, having her race back home at 1:00am-ish to a Lawrence-less abode, leaving his keys on the counter and his shirt in the closet wasn’t enough, we’re left with the image of Lawrence blowing Miss Lady’s back out (like AAAAAALLLLL THE WAY OOOUUUTTT). Where in the world was Party Time Lawrence hiding ALL that time? (Questions that need answers.)

And while we’re discussing Miss Lady from the bank, I must say I think she’s kinda cool. Many deemed her a THOT and a homewrecker. That confused me. She was interested in Lawrence, saw some things Issa stopped seeing in him, provided pep talks and confidence boosters, had no idea he was involved, and stepped off when he told her what was up. Where is the THOT????  Please let me know because I couldn’t find one.   To be honest, I’m actually hoping he gives her a chance. No disrespect to Issa or anything but something tells me Tasha may be good for Lawrence. I could be wrong. I could be right. One thing is for certain, I’ll definitely be tuned in this season to see the goings on. All the goings on (in my Bernie Mac voice).

Lastly, is it just me or is EVERYBODY planning and/or attending an Insecure Watch Party? Sunday’s about to be LIT. Happy watching and we’ll be talking!

 

 

 

 

Happy Naturaversary!

 

I still can’t believe it’s been an entire year since deciding to Big Chop! In all honesty, it wasn’t that much of a big chop being that I’ve always been a fan of short hair. Nonetheless, it was scary and thrilling at the same time. The initial plan was to refrain was relaxing, blow dry and flat iron my hair until I thought it was at a reasonable length for natural styling (I guess this was my attempt at avoiding stage TWA). And the plan was working like a charm! Until the DMV’s scorching summer heat made its debut. I then considered braids, but someone who shall remain nameless indicated not liking braids and “fake hair”. “Fine! I’m just going to cut it off then”, I remember blurting out. “Do what you want to do.”  And that was the end of it for about a week or so.

I remember wanting to wait until the summer program I was coordinating came to a close. You know, just in case I looked a hot ass mess. Kids (particularly MY students) can be brutally honest and the last thing you want after getting a hair cut you’re not particularly happy or confident with is to have to listen to little people talk your head off about said haircut.

The day of my big haircut I asked my hairdresser a gazillion questions as she chopped. I tend to be extremely talkative when I’m nervous. She was so patient with me. I sent pics to a few friends sharing a few steps of the process. They cheered me on, via text, as I anxiously awaited to see my “curls”. Oh…I even added color (burgundy) to the top my of my hair for a little extra spice. When I was finally swirled in the direction of the mirror, with most of the hair that was once on my head resting lifelessly on the surrounding floor, I almost cried. What. The. Fuck! It wasn’t what I expected. At all. I expected more length. I haven’t relaxed my hair in months! This is all the new growth I got? I expected juicy, lush 3A-ish curls.  But nah, my hair was doing something  totally different. “This is it!?  Where are the curls?”, I needed to know.  I felt as if I looked like a boy.  I sent one friend the final product. She took way too long to respond. Ahh shit! This was a bad idea. Should’ve just gotten braids! I was a nervous  wreck the entire ride home. This man already indicated not being in favor of this move and now look at me, looking all boyish.  Breathe Rhonda. Breathe. Why are always so impatient?! Just relax girl. Breathe.

When I arrived home no one was there. Yes! Thank you Lord for this much needed alone time so I can sit with my decision and, more importantly, play around with my hair a bit (what was left of it). I may have added a part on the side (or taken it away), added a little more water and gel, and started finger styling my teeny-TWA. Finally, it was starting to look like something.  Thank you Lord. Relief. I was no longer in panic mode. After putting on some earrings and red lip color, I really started to feel as if I had my swagger back. I can do this. I can totally ROCK this! I knew I was feeling myself because I posted up on The Gram.  Aye! When the guy I was with at the time saw my new do, he was not as impressed as the friends from IG and Facebook. “I hate it. Don’t ever do that to your hair again.”, if my memory serves me correctly, were his exact words. And I guess those words could’ve taken some of the wind out of my sails, but they didn’t.

I was a hair junkie at first. But not so much anymore. My go to’s now: Shea Butter and Amla & Olive Heavy Cream by Qhemet Biologics. I miss the wash and go days occasionally, where I’d load my hair up with gel and see something like curls, but I’m loving my present style and length. And I’ve recently learned I have way more love for dry twist outs than I do wet twist outs.  Don’t ask me what I’m going to do with the four tubs of gel hanging out underneath the bathroom sink. I’m not certain what else this journey has in store for me. Maybe color. Maybe not. For now, I’m loving my funky-short-hair-don’t-care cut , with the retro parts on the sides. I’m loving my thick, wooly texture. Loving the fact that I’m no longer allowing chemicals to sit on and burn my scalp. Loving the fact that I’m creating my own definition of beauty. “Well, this is how my hair grows out of my scalp”, I told him. In other words, this is me…naturally.

I honestly can’t remember a time feeling more confident, more empowered, and more liberated than while on this new hair journey.  I intend to bask in this territory a while. For a good while.

Happy One Year Naturaversary to me…

 

And Another One

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And another one, as in A-NO-THER relationship bites the dust. I couldn’t even play the I’m Just So Unlucky In Love, Maybe Someone Put A Halle Berry Curse On Me victim card either. Nope. Not this time. Instead, I was forced to be honest with myself. It’s funny (not really) how recycling similar experiences forces self-reflection and honesty. The hard truth is, although I go hard for whomever I’m rockin with, I sometimes kinda make fucked up choices when it comes to men. And that’s not to say that the men I’ve happened to fall for were total douchebags. They were, in fact, guys I enjoyed laughing and spending time with. Guys who’d buy me birthday gifts (but never flowers even though I really love flowers). Guys, who’d hang paintings, change the oil in my car, provide words of encouragement if I ever had work-place drama. Guys who met my family and introduced me to theirs’. They were guys who would look out for me.  They were also the kind of guys who’d become skittish when conversations about the future and our next steps arose. They were guys who preferred evading to communicating, withholding over sharing truths (I guess they just didn’t want to hurt my feelings which is ironic because they all ended up hurting…my fucking feelings). They were guys whose vision and values didn’t fully align with my vision and values. Guys, I’m certain loved me, liked me even, but guys who didn’t have the lenses needed to look at me and see magic. And that’s what made them, not bad guys, just fucked up, self-selected, selections for me.

This last guy was charming, sweet, survived a tough upbringing, goal oriented, and funny when he wasn’t being quiet or guarded. I so wanted to believe in him, to see only the good in him, to not hold past flaws against him. I also, if I’m being totally honest, wanted to scratch some shit off my to-do list:

1. Meet someone

2. Ditch Tinder

3. Get married in a couple of years

4. Move on to the next to-do item because I’m over all this trial and error, swipe left, swipe right nonsense

And that’s precisely where I fucked up. Trying to take shortcuts (like cohabitation), neglecting principles, making concessions, and overlooking clear signals all in the interest of hastiness. And although something told me this man may not have significant regard for the things I regarded significantly, I never suspected he’d cheat on me (total deal breaker).  But Life shall not be mocked. I paid for every neglected principle, every concession, and every shortcut. So as my friend tried to console me by saying, “You didn’t do anything wrong. This isn’t your fault”, I wasn’t willing to let myself off the hook so easily. Something (like intuition) told me, I don’t really see this ending the way you’re hoping it’ll end. But I ignored it and forged ahead because I was older. Felt I had something to prove. Needed to worry about other things on my to do list. (Another lesson learned: Time will not be mocked. I vow to never try to force or rush another thing in my life.)

Now, something I love (love, love, love) about myself is this, while I still haven’t mastered selecting guys who are more aligned with who I am as a woman and while I’m respecting (valuing) the process of investing more time and effort on the front end of the selection process, walking away and refusing to look back after a relationship has run its course (say being cheated on or strung along or just totally disrespected) is no obstacle for me. It’s easy like Sunday morning. I’m like Nina Learn To Leave The Table When Love Is No Longer Being Served Simone in that regard. But my love goal isn’t to be The Breakup Queen or The Boy Bye Girl my entire life. It’s to apply these vital lessons (that seem to be on repeat), set myself up to win in love someday, and form and foster a dope ass friendship with someone who looks at me and sees magic. I understand there are no guarantees and you can do everything right and still be thrown a curveball but I’m committed (for real , for real this time) to doing everything in my power not to recycle the same old, tired experiences.

NOTE: I’ve seen cohabitation work very well for some and not so well for others. However, my spirit told me it wasn’t a good move for ME at the time. We all have unique journeys. With that being said, follow your heart in doing what feels right for you. Just felt the need to share that.