ULTIMATUMS

I was listening to a video clip of Derrick Jaxn on Facebook last night. He spoke briefly on men, marriage and ultimatums: indicated he was no huge fan of  the u-word. The word ultimatum sounds a little ugly I admit, but the associated synonyms sound very practical, logical really.

Synonyms For Ultimatums 

-uncompromising demand

-final offer

-take-it-or leave-it deal

-final notice

-final terms

-final warning

-final word

-last chance

-last offer

We issue ultimatums—last chances, final offers, final notices— all the time I believe.

Examples:

~ “Chrisette this is your last chance to decline 45’s invitation”, said The Black Community. If you decline, we’re good. If you accept and perform, we ain’t fuckin with you no more. (She thought ya’ll was just talking. She was clearly mistaken.)

~ If this restaurant issues me shitty service one more time, I’m never coming back again.

~ This mechanic is always on some bullshit. If my car’s not finished by noon I’m taking it someplace else, and I’m never coming back.

       An ultimatum is simply having an understanding of what you want, an expectation of how your desires should be met and delivered, and enough consideration to give involved parties the opportunity to meet your demands. So what’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with giving your beau an expiration date on his slow dragging? Nothing’s wrong with it. Nothing’s wrong with issuing an ultimatum in my opinion. But unlike with a mechanic or an establishment, something feels a little (a lot) fucked up about having (feeling required) to issue an ultimatum to a person who claims to love you but who’s also dragging their feet on you.

       I remember having a conversation with a friend who was in this predicament. She said, “I shouldn’t even be going through this.” And I understood her wholeheartedly. It feels like you’re twisting someone’s arm just to be with you. The fuck? Though some guys may need a little encouragement in the area of full fledge commitment, and they may need to understand that their lady’s not going to play this game long-term, it still feels like an insult (a slap in the face) for a woman to have to go to such extremes (ultimatum issuing). It’s a mood switcher. Like dude, I gotta twist your ear for a commitment? Fuck it. I don’t want it then. You keep it.

       We want guys to view being partnered with us a privilege, not an obligation (“Ok. I’ll marry you Gina. Damn!”). And once the territory of issuing ultimatums is entered the lines of being considered a privilege versus an obligation get blurred. In this regard, it is my hope that from this day forward, we choose men who choose us repeatedly (sans prompting, sans coercion), men who appreciate and feel privileged to have us. Men who don’t need ultimatums to keep us.

Miss Me With Those “Cuffingships”

 

‘‘Tis the season” for hearty stews, homemade soups, and hot chocolate smothered with whipped cream. It’s the season for high boots and Friendsgiving, scarves and ugly Christmas sweaters, Netflix and ski trips. It’s also the season for single gals who are feeling a little lonely, somewhat anxious (wondering why their Boaz still hasn’t presented his azz), in slight despair, uninspired by a possible season of solo hibernation, to be extremely cautious. We have to be mindful Ladies, that Cuffing Season is upon us.

 Understand that this season was created by and for persons who’d rather spend the cold, dark, and sometimes dreadful months of winter snuggled up with someone “good enough” for cuffing than all alone. And I totally get it! You get the temporary perks and feels of a relationships from November through about late February, early March. By the end of March you get your papers signed, freeing you up for Springtime Frolicking and Summer Flinging. It sounds SO ideal! Almost makes me want to get signed up. There’s just one teeny tiny problem: being regarded and treated as a Good Enough Girl (good enough for cuffing season but soon after that ass is getting dropped) doesn’t sit well with my spirit, with who I am at my core. If it did, I’d surely participate in all  the season’s festivities. I’d even have a rotation like my girl Issa! But, in this regard, I know myself all too well. It’s all fun and games until your worth isn’t recognized and valued.

So in the interest of not busting anybody’s car windows out ( because in December I knew it was most likely just a cuffingship but by the end of January all the playing relationship had me feeling like I was in a relationship, and by  February I’m questioning why a nigga’s not gathering I’m quality–as in God’s wonderfully and beautifully made child, as in why am I–ME–on a fuckin cuffing bench when I should be running the point–and pissed the hell off  in mid March when he starts to pull back because…well duh…Spring Frolicking is upon us) I prefer to sit this season out.

If (when) I find myself tempted to cuff  (in my Tempted to Touch song voice),  I get brutally honest with myself. Next, I remind myself I have options.  Then, actually I’ll save that for the following post.  

 

Anti-Cuffing Season Checklist

Be Honest With Yourself

Ask yourself how will this situation most likely end? How long will it be all fun and games until emotions get involved and feelings get hurt? Has this person actually demonstrated he’s worthy and appreciative of me, my time, my offerings? Is he more charm than genuine? Am I just bored? Feeling lonely? Would I entertain him under ordinary circumstances? Am I trying to make this more than what it really is? Is my spirit really ok with being a seasonal F#%k Buddy/Fake Girlfriend (granted he may not come right out and refer to you as such but he’ll drop clues regarding his intentions)? If after being honest with yourself you conclude #issacuffingtrap, steer clear. Guard your heart and protect your spirit, your feelings, your peace, and your time.

Believe You Deserve More

In addition to protecting your spirit, have faith and believe in yourself. Believe that you can do way better, that you deserve more than someone who just wants you as their wintertime smash buddy. I don’t care if the situation is looking bleak. You always have options. And by options I don’t necessarily mean a plethora of men. You have the option to value what you have to offer. You have the option to regard your offerings as sacred treasures. You have the option to tell a mf  “get the fuck out my face with that cuffing-proposition-bullshit.” If you feel your options are slim or non-existent, start talking to yourself differently; start thinking differently about yourself.  Start telling yourself things like:

I’m dope AF (then go do the shit that makes you feel dope…AF)

I’m a treasure (And you don’t need anybody to co-sign on this for you. YOU just have to believe it and govern yourself accordingly.)

I deserve more (You’re damn right you do!)

I got time. I can wait for something with meaning and purpose. (The illusion of not having options and time always seem to trip us up).

When you talk differently to yourself, you start to feel and think differently about yourself.  “The tongue has the power of life and death”. We have to speak life over ourselves, our confidence, our boldness. And we have to lay the spirit of slumming  (settling for way less because you don’t  believe you can have more) to rest…for good.

 

To Be Continued…

 

Demetria Obilor

Demetria Obilor isn’t the reflection of standard beauty–standard white beauty that is. She’s not rail thin, blonde haired, and blue-eyed, with porcelain colored skin.  Instead, she’s thick and curvy (AF), big and curly-haired, and brown-eyed, with flawless fawn colored skin. In other words, she’s FREAKIN GORGEOUS. The fact that Channel 8 has secured her as their traffic anchor indicates the news channel hasn’t “taken leave of its senses” at all. Channel 8 has gathered its senses in realizing the American (white American) standard of beauty, that fails to capture the beauty of SO many others, is some BS and deserving of dismantling.

Facebook user Jan (Big Mad Jan) exclaims she will not be tuning into Channel 8 anymore because our girl (everyone who’s on #teamdemetria) is cute (gorgeous)  in the face, slim in the waist, and blessed in all the right places. Jan basically tried to body shame Demetria for being a thick and curvy woman. Jan’s behavior is sad, but not surprising. “When you look a little different, people think they can talk to you a little different.”, says Demetria in response to Jan’s body shaming.  I love how so many people have and are coming to Obilor’s defense. Her clap-back squad is real and ready. And it appears not only black folk are on her team.  I appreciate how so many are realizing and accepting that no particular group monopolizes in the area beauty.  And y’all already know I love how black women continue to walk confidently and boldly in their beauty.  We know, despite everything (historically being told and led to believe we were ugly, with our thick lips, wide noses, dark skin, wide hips, thick thighs, fat butts, and nappy hair)  that we’re our own special kind of beauty.

Lastly, Obilor has handled this body shaming (embedded race/culture shaming) with so much grace. This graceful and unapologetic beauty has gained a new admirer– me.