I was listening to a video clip of Derrick Jaxn on Facebook last night. He spoke briefly on men, marriage and ultimatums: indicated he was no huge fan of  the u-word. The word ultimatum sounds a little ugly I admit, but the associated synonyms sound very practical, logical really.

Synonyms For Ultimatums 

-uncompromising demand
-final offer
-take-it-or leave-it deal
-final notice
-final terms
-final warning
-final word
-last chance
-last offer
We issue ultimatums—last chances, final offers, final notices— all the time I believe.
~ “Chrisette this is your last chance to decline 45’s invitation”, said The Black Community. If you decline, we’re good. If you accept and perform, we ain’t fuckin with you no more. (She thought ya’ll was just talking. She was clearly mistaken.)
~ If this restaurant issues me shitty service one more time, I’m never coming back again.
~ This mechanic is always on some bullshit. If my car’s not finished by noon I’m taking it someplace else, and I’m never coming back.
       An ultimatum is simply having an understanding of what you want, an expectation of how your desires should be met and delivered, and enough consideration to give involved parties the opportunity to meet your demands. So what’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with giving your beau an expiration date on his slow dragging? Nothing’s wrong with it. Nothing’s wrong with issuing an ultimatum in my opinion. But unlike with a mechanic or an establishment, something feels a little (a lot) fucked up about having (feeling required) to issue an ultimatum to a person who claims to love you but who’s also dragging their feet on you.
       I remember having a conversation with a friend who was in this predicament. She said, “I shouldn’t even be going through this.” And I understood her wholeheartedly. It feels like you’re twisting someone’s arm just to be with you. The fuck? Though some guys may need a little encouragement in the area of full fledge commitment, and they may need to understand that their lady’s not going to play this game long-term, it still feels like an insult (a slap in the face) for a woman to have to go to such extremes (ultimatum issuing). It’s a mood switcher. Like dude, I gotta twist your ear for a commitment? Fuck it. I don’t want it then. You keep it.
       We want guys to view being partnered with us a privilege, not an obligation (“Ok. I’ll marry you Gina. Damn!”). And once the territory of issuing ultimatums is entered the lines of being considered a privilege versus an obligation get blurred. In this regard, it is my hope that from this day forward, we choose men who choose us repeatedly (sans prompting, sans coercion), men who appreciate and feel privileged to have us. Men who don’t need ultimatums to keep us.

Demetria Obilor


Demetria Obilor isn’t the reflection of standard beauty–standard white beauty that is. She’s not rail thin, blonde haired, and blue-eyed, with porcelain colored skin.  Instead, she’s thick and curvy (AF), big and curly-haired, and brown-eyed, with flawless fawn colored skin. In other words, she’s FREAKIN GORGEOUS. The fact that Channel 8 has secured her as their traffic anchor indicates the news channel hasn’t “taken leave of its senses” at all. Channel 8 has gathered its senses in realizing the American (white American) standard of beauty, that fails to capture the beauty of SO many others, is some BS and deserving of dismantling.


Facebook user Jan (Big Mad Jan) exclaims she will not be tuning into Channel 8 anymore because our girl (everyone who’s on #teamdemetria) is cute (gorgeous)  in the face, slim in the waist, and blessed in all the right places. Jan basically tried to body shame Demetria for being a thick and curvy woman. Jan’s behavior is sad, but not surprising. “When you look a little different, people think they can talk to you a little different.”, says Demetria in response to Jan’s body shaming.  I love how so many people have and are coming to Obilor’s defense. Her clap-back squad is real and ready. And it appears not only black folk are on her team.  I appreciate how so many are realizing and accepting that no particular group monopolizes in the area beauty.  And y’all already know I love how black women continue to walk confidently and boldly in their beauty.  We know, despite everything (historically being told and led to believe we were ugly, with our thick lips, wide noses, dark skin, wide hips, thick thighs, fat butts, and nappy hair)  that we’re our own special kind of beauty.

Lastly, Obilor has handled this body shaming (embedded race/culture shaming) with so much grace. This graceful and unapologetic beauty has gained a new admirer– me.